Embrace the Suck

I've read a handful of other blog postings about the first day of kindergarten.  I usually rolled my eyes as these sentimental mothers and thought grow a pair. Your kid is finally out of the house- rejoice! Joke's on me.  My first son will start kindergarten tomorrow and I have become one of those sentimental fools.

I didn't see it coming.  My three boys have driven me crazy all summer.  The fighting, screaming, constantly asking for something, whether it's a juice box, another bag of chips, or more candy that will most likely make the fighting and screaming 100 times worse when the sugar rush hits.  Almost every morning this summer I woke up and my first thought was, "I can't wait until I get to crawl back in bed tonight."  I just didn't want to do it again.  I asked a couple of my friends if this was normal?  For the most part other mother's sympathized with my plight, they too are in the midsts of hell with small little monsters invading their space (I can't remember the last time I went to the bathroom by myself).  But one friend said something that stuck.  "Embrace the suck."  She was honest and told me I was just going to keep being miserable until I recognized this was all temporary.  This time is trying but it is temporary, and you will never get these days back.

One day my boys will want very little to do with me.  They won't want to talk to me while I'm trying to go to the bathroom. (Going to be honest- kind of looking forward to that day).  Or won't ask me to play cars with them. Or build legos.  Pretty soon it will be all about their friends and I will be an afterthought.  Because I'm their world right now, it's hard for me to imagine.  But it is happening little by little.  I see it with my 6-year-old.  He's becoming less of a little monster and turning into a little man.  Don't get me wrong, he can still drive me batty.  But he's getting more and more independent.  He's ready for tomorrow.

I thought I was until we had to go to Meet the Teacher night.  I walked in the classroom and met the woman who would now be spending the majority of time with my son.  She seemed very nice and I'm 100% certain will yell much less than I do.  But she isn't me.  She didn't feel him kick all night while trying to get a few hours sleep those last few weeks of pregnancy.  She didn't rock him to sleep every night for almost two years.  She didn't hold him tightly after he got a shot or skinned his knee.  She didn't sit in his playroom for hours trying to act interested in matchbox cars, dump trucks, excavators,  or toy guns and knives. Did she push him on a swing day after day, take him through his favorite car wash for the hundredth time or attempt to get him to listen during story time at the library (well, that one time we went- the library and rambunctious boys don't mix).  Nope, that was me.

All of these little moments I've had with my son over the last five years have been coming back to me the last few days.  And it's finally hitting me.  I'll never get those days, those moments, back with him.  Of course, there are many I don't want back- the reprimanding, exhaustion, temper tantrums, very little free time- yeah, those aren't the ones I'm talking about.  But those moments where all the crappiness disappears and being a mom is rewarding.  Where that love you feel for your child comes at your in such a rush it takes your breath away.  When he's laughing while you push him on the swing and he looks back at you with such joy, or when he does something for the first time and you're there to witness it, to see the pride he feels for himself.

His new kindergarten teacher will now be responsible for many of those moments.  The school day is long here in Texas- 8:20 a.m. to 3:40 a.m.  I am no longer responsible for the majority of my son's day.  So yes, the first day of kindergarten is momentous.  I'm praying I did some things right the last five years.  I'm hoping I've built a solid foundation for her to work with- for her to continue to foster.  I hope he misses me a little.  Because as much as I've been counting down the days to get him out of my house, it's here, and I'm scared.  Luckily I have two little monsters still at home to keep me busy.  Let the screaming and fighting commence.